Having watched none of tonight’s contenders for the little golden man — that’s right… of all of the nominations I’ve seen not a single one1 — I figure I’m still about as qualified as the next guy to pick the winners. Which, honestly, says more about the next guy who thinks he has a *reason* to support his picks. As if. So, without further ado:

  • Best Picture: Avatar. Of course I’m pulling for the revolutionary, epic Sci-Fi flick here; I’ve got some geek cred to maintain. Above and beyond that, however, I’d really like to see this one on the big screen in 3D and I suspect that if it gets a bucket-full of awards it’s more likely to run long enough I can do that. Besides which, the folks who spend the most money creating a film should win, right? Amiright?
  • Best Director: Kathryn Bigelow. Because if you wanna make sure the guy who just won Best Picture for the second time with yet another gazillion-dollar epic doesn’t let it all go to his head, you could do worse than award his ex-wife Best Director. Neener.
  • Best Actor: Jeff Bridges. Because the dude has abided long enough now, don’t ya think?
  • Best Actress: Sandra Bullock. And not just because I harbor a not-so-secret crush on Sandy. Well, mostly not because of that.
  • Best Supporting Actress: Mo’Nique. ‘Cause the girl is all that. But please, let’s hope she’s shaved her legs for the red carpet this time?
  • Best Supporting Actor: Cristoph Waltz. Because the academy like it’s Nazis nutty.
  • Animated Feature: Up. Okay, so I lied… I saw one nominated film — Up — but only because somebody gave me the DVD for Christmas. And so, because I saw it I presume it should be the winner. Though, truth be told, I’d prefer they awarded only the first 10-15 minutes of the film. But that would make it an animated short film, wouldn’t it? So, on a technicality, I’ll choose Neil Gaiman’s Coraline to take this home, though I don’t think it’s going to happen.

As to the rest… beats the hell out of me. Tell me who won tomorrow, ’cause much as I didn’t have time get my tucus to a theater to see these, I’m not gonna take the time for a five hour long awards show. And, anyway, I’ve got coffee needs roasting.

  1. So? I’ve been busy. []

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